Lifestyle Opinions

By: Alyssa Velasquez

Grief takes many different forms. Whether it be due to losing a loved one, a breakup, or dealing with a significant life challenge, grief is something most people go through at least once in their lives.

Everyone grieves differently. It might take someone a month to endure the whole grieving process, while another takes more than a year to heal. As someone who has already dealt with a significant amount of different types of loss, I am here to give my opinions on what has helped me personally make it a little easier to face the process of the healing journey.

Healing is an essential part of the soul. To accept grief, you must go through the process or “stages” thoroughly to allow the body to fully process and learn to heal from this traumatic experience.

What are the “Stages of Grief”?

According to Harvard Health Publishing Medical School, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross, in her book “On Death and Dying”, provides a framework for the process one goes through while dealing with the loss of a loved one.

This method also applies to all types of loss; the basic foundation of grieving for something you no longer have possession of is still part of the process.

When you go through the 5 stages of grief, it is important to try to progress in this healing journey rather than go backwards in each step. The stages of grief are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

1. Denial

Those very first moments when you discover the “loss” you have succumbed to, you become in denial. You don’t want to believe the tragedy. This is a defense mechanism to trick your mind into thinking it’s not real in order to prevent shock in the nervous system.

Most people go about this stage differently. Some act out physically, while others shut down, out of sight, out of mind. While I do believe that acting out, rebelling, pushing away loved ones, or shutting down can have negative effects in the long run, I do believe you need to allow yourself to go through this phase because it’s natural. It’s as natural as our fight or flight response. You are trying to defend yourself from potential danger. You need to remember to breathe. This step can lead to panic/anxiety attacks when you are trying to process all this information at once. Drink water and be with your support group. Once that “high” is lowered and you have accepted that you are in denial, is when you can think more clearly and allow yourself to feel the next step. Anger.

2. Anger

The next stage is that little red emotion you have called Anger.

Even when you are crying your eyes out, or when you say “I skipped this entire step,” it is not necessarily true. You could be so frustrated that you cry. You could be so angry that you shut down. You can even be so angry, that you become numb. You have every right to feel this emotion. It’s not fair. My best advice is to not overreact. Don’t blame the doctor who tried saving ur loved ones life. Don’t try to get revenge on your ex or your boss (if you lost your job), no matter how much they probably deserve it, the main thing to focus on is to allow yourself to feel this stage of grief and control yourself.

I went on walks. I walked for miles, allowing myself to be angry, and if I was feeling “too much”, I started running. I would run until I was too tired to feel angry, or I would feel relieved of the rush that I wasn’t angry anymore. Listen to music, talk to someone you trust, or a therapist. Don’t stick around here for long. It will hurt your mental health in the long run. You can end up pushing everyone away. I did that, and you won’t realize it until you suddenly end up alone in a situation, and you won’t have anyone else to blame but yourself.

Whatever hobbies you enjoy and are safe and healthy (please don’t bed rot the whole time, go outside and breathe fresh air), focus on those, and allow your support group to be there for you. When you are feeling angry, do breathing exercises. This helped me calm down when I would randomly feel the need to be angry in the grief journey. Lastly, remember that there is acceptance to come, and even though you will never forget, it will become easier to live with.

3. Bargaining

“What if?”

“If only?”

“Why, why me”?

All these questions. All these thoughts that swarm our minds when we finally accept the fact that what we had is gone. We take the train to Pity Town.

We turn the blame on ourselves. We become our own worst enemy. The best thing that you can do in this situation is try to understand that this happened for a reason.

Whether it be that your loved one passed away because they were in pain, and now they no longer feel that way. If you just got out of a long-term relationship, it was probably not letting you grow and move up to succeed in your life, so you had to part ways. If you lost a pet, know that they knew nothing but love, and they will always have that with them. Wherever their soul goes.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people. It’s the unfortunate side of nature. The good and evil battle it out every day, all around us, and sometimes, evil wins the little victories. This is when you need to think, “Am I gonna stay stuck here? Is this what my family member who passed wants to see me as? Is this how I want to live? In pain? Is this what I want for MYSELF?

When you have these thoughts, LET IT OUT. Don’t suppress them; they need to be heard, written, and read. Be understood. Talk it out. Write it out. I’ve seen girls go out to Dollar Tree and buy glass plates and Sharpies and write their pain and sadness on the plate, then they smash them on the ground. Go to a rage room, spend time with people who don’t make you think these negative thoughts.

4. Depression

This is the longest and hardest stage to go through in my opinion. Depression is a mental health disorder that can last a long time and, in some instances, never fully go away.

You may not enjoy activities you once did.

Not wanting to be near people who once made you happy.

Feeling as though people don’t understand your pain. Or the one person who did understand you is no longer there to comfort you.

This step for me was the hardest to get past, and I can also tell you right now, I am not 100% out of this phase. There are days when something triggers this feeling, and I have bad days, but I can say accepting that it has happened and moving forward positively can help alleviate the pain.

Know your value, know that whatever loss you are going through, you can get through. Don’t fall into bad habits, stick to routine, go outside, keep eating, and drink water. Life may feel helpless, you may feel useless, but know that you can’t appreciate happiness without sadness.

The one quote I live by to help me get through these tough times is “God gives his greatest battles to his bravest soldiers.” Even if you aren’t religious, find a quote, a saying, a purpose to keep going. The purpose of this quote is knowing you can overcome anything, throughout time, of course.

It is also good to associate happy times with that person or place. It’s okay to be happy during times of sadness. It’s actually a good way to see that you can have the good with the bad, and vice versa.

I cannot stress this enough: please go talk to someone if you are struggling with depression. There are people out there who can help you or give you resources to move forward.

5. Acceptance

Acceptance is one of the hardest things a human emotion can process. It means change, and we as people are not so susceptible to it.

The one thing I recommend in this phase is to understand that what you need is your value and to keep being positive.

Prepare yourself for the bad days, but enjoy the good ones too. Find your support system that has shown they have been by your side the whole process and cherish them.

Accept that what has happened is something you have no control over, but you can have control of the way you feel about it.

Grief can be an emotional rollercoaster, and this isn’t a week-step cycle you go through to be cured because, in reality, Grief is something that lingers. It can be stronger on some days, but what I can say is that you are so much stronger than you know, and this too shall pass. Better days are ahead if you motivate yourself to see them and understand that grief is a part of the circle of life.